Welcome, Stranger, but beware. I confide in you, and so I give you power over me, but doubt me not, my freedom is what I intend to keep - At all costs...

Under Water

Yesterday at 21:36 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary,

I jump. And I am not talking about jumping with my legs but with my horse.
I just started doing parkour last year, however, we - me and him, got better quite fast and we were jumping quite some heights this season.

I have this thing. I do not get scared. Not at first, at least. Since I was about ten years old I used to snowboard like crazy, I never stopped, never slowed down. And so once, I fell. I broke my hand, badly. I had cast for more than two months and the injury never really healed. I still can not move with my wrist from side to side. I never got up and went snowboarding again.

Same thing happened yesterday, or at least on the same note. It was hot, I was dehydrated, starving, nervous and on top og it all tired from another sleepless night. After the first show, just before the second one, I fell. Hardly. I do not remember much, not the fall or anything that happened shortly before or after. I remember looking for my horse and drinking warm water that just made me sick. I remember my trainer telling me that if I want to compete, I have to go no. I was next. I have a blur after that. I have no idea how I got back into the saddle or how I got infront of the judges. I remember my eyes closed. Just later they told me I was unconscious, but at that moment, I just felt like I was sleeping. I do not remember much after that. There were people around me, asking each other what they should do, if they should carry me out, make me walk or let me lie there for a bit. I do not know how they decided. The first memory to come after that is one in car, when we were already on our way back. They told me the basics, that I fell twice, first one was bad enough but during the second, I managed to break the obstacle in half with my body. They said it looked bad. That I was not moving and they had to start reviving me. Apparently, if i had not have worn the vest, it could have killed me.

I guess it is better this way, when I just do not remember. Maybe it is a way of my body protecting me. But it does not stop the pain. I can not work properly. I can not walk on my right leg, all muscles on my back, shoulders and neck are pulled, I think I broke my nose and my arm and I get dizzy. I also just had a migraine. I have had fractures before, the pain is not so bad and can be lived with, but God. My head is killing me, returning again and again to yesterday, trying to make sence of it but even with hints from others, I do not exactly know what happened, what went wrong. What I did wrong. It kills me.

I just...I just want to forget. Then I at least would not have to worry, about getting scared. I mean, what if I will? What if next time I climb on my horse I will be paralyzed? It is not exactly like I can just end it, he depends on me. Who else would have taken care of him?

But that is my problem, and I will have to deal with it. Even though, I always run when I start to get scared. This time I will have to stay. Who knows? Maybe I will find a way how to defeat my biggest enemy - my fears. Maybe it will even be good for me, because as mom always says "Everything happens for a reason".

Dear Diary, my first entry...

8. june 2017 at 19:25 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary, today I fucked up.

I was in subway on my way to see my aunt, when my dog (what a genius) started bothering some guy behind me. Even though he did not say a thing it was pretty obvious that he was getting annoyed. So I did what every normal person would, I moved my dog closer to me and apologized to that poor guy with big smile on my face. A little uncomfortable but nothing I could not handle, right?

However, that was not the end. He asked me a question, which I, between the subway noise and my bad hearing, did not heard. So I asked him about what he said - if he could repeat it and of cour-fucking-se that I did not hear that either. Given that I did not understood the question (again) and I did not want to embarrass myself any more than I already have, I just leant in closer and waited for him to ask again. What he said took me by suprise. One word. That is all he said. The name of my school. I could not make myself answer with words so I just nodded and smiled. Thankfully, I reached my destination by then so I left the train and the handsome behind me.

I am not of those to worry, but this left me thinking. Who was that boy? How so that he knew me but I did not know him? I knew that if I would see him again, I would recognize him. He was not of the invisible kind. He was not like me.

But then again, it looked like I was not either.

Inevitable End

7. june 2017 at 23:02 | the worse of me
Our world has fallen. And we, lying down, whilst buried under the ground, we think we are flying. The world will never stop spinning but in our blindness, we will stop breathing. Unaware of our own uselessness, we accepted and praised the end that is coming.

We will fail to avoid the demise and we will enter the hell. Once there, we will find ourselves home. And just then, new world will arise from the ashes of the old one. Pure and thriving.

Fools, who think otherwise.

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