Welcome, Stranger, but beware. I confide in you, and so I give you power over me, but doubt me not, my freedom is what I intend to keep - At all costs...

Today Better Than Yesterday

12. july 2017 at 21:59 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary,

Today I woke up and felt, sort of, lonely. I am lonely all the time but this was different kind of loneliness. It is hard to explain. While most of the days I am alone in the world, this morning I was left by myself in my own head. No voices. No screaming. I felt empty but the voide that filled me was peacefull. For once, I was in peace.
 

I am

7. july 2017 at 21:52 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary,

Who am I? What am I? No one. I exist and walk among others, always in a company. Yet I am alone. I am, what you may call, an introvert. Silly, isn´t is? Like if one word could describe what kind of person I am. I guess I am just that simple. Or am I not? I...forgot.

I wore the mask intended for the outer world for too long. I did what I hated. Gave up on what I had loved. I have changed in order to better fit in the society. For what exactly?

I wake up in the morning with nothing but emptiness on my mind. I look in the mirror and see a person who is me, knowing that I am not the person I look at. I try to wash away my thoughts with water, but I drown in them instead. I replace the void with fake happiness. Fake personality. Fake person.

Sounds stupid. Hopefully, I am the only one who feels this way. I would not wish this to my worst enemy, no one deserves to be a prisoner in his own body.

Just one last thing before I go. I heard him, heard his voice today, screaming out my name. That means only one thing - My demons will come tonight.
I wake up in the morning with nothing but emptiness on my mind. I look in the mirror and see a person who is me knowing that I am not the person I look at. I try to wash away my thoughts with water. I replace the void with fake hapiness. Fake personality. Fake person. Sounds stupid. Hopefully, I am the only one who feels this way. I wouldn´t wish this to my worst enemy. No one deserves to be a prisoner in his own body. My demons will come tonight

My Name Is Not Me

5. july 2017 at 22:06 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary, I am fucked up,

I guess it is a confusion or maybe just a matter of bad memory card inside me, when I can not recall my name, when, even after said, tastes foreign and misplaced on my tongue. Maybe I am just finally losing my mind.

I've tried to describe how I feel.


I wrote different words with same meaning and I wrote them a thousand times.

I look at them and realize those words have nothing to do with me. I wanted to destroy them, crossed them out. I couldn't. I took a pen into my hand once again and started writing over them one sentence. "This is not me." Again and again until the words weren't readable. Then again "Is this not me?" Same words with added doubts. I might not know who am I but I know this is not me.

That's a start, right?
 


The Puppeteer

4. july 2017 at 14:41 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary,

For some time now, I have been obssesed with the idea of a puppeteer, a puppet master and his puppets. There could be so many hidden meanings in this, so many methaphors. Yet none of them is whole. I searched the internet and found my favorite poems about the puppeteering. I am sure that this is something I will return to regularly so here they go as following:





Enjoy...

Crossing borders

2. july 2017 at 22:11 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary,

as of today I am a student at the Cambridge University, at least for the next three weeks that is. I am in this science programme with other people my age that apparently have the same interests as me. Mom said that because they are like me I should not fight against it and become friends with them. Easy for her to say. I am trying to make friends here but it is hard.

Take this, gorgeous, smart and friendly girl with who I was in group noticed that I was not engaging in conservation with the others so she tried to make some small talk with me. She told me about what they were doing earlier that day (I arrived later than others) and how everyone was doing and so on. She was really nice to me. Which stressed me out even more, I was not able to answer with more than one word and sometimes with a little nod and shy smile. Not the best conversation I had. She gave up after about fifth time she started to "break the ice". I felt so sorry for her. I can not even begin to imagine what she must think of me now, she must think I am an absolute bitch. When I just want to be friends with her.

God, this always happens. I have no idea how I will survive here three weeks completely alone.

And do you know what the worst part is? Even if I would try to make it right, I would probably just make it worse. It is just the way I am.

Wish me luck

The Fear of Unknown

29. june 2017 at 23:06 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary,

As you probably know by know, I am not the type of person to get scared. However, when I experience fear, I do so very intensively, as living through any other emotion. It is hard to explain, but if I would try to do so, I would probably say, that my emotions are, in comparison to others´, almost like under a magnifying glass. More intense and on much larger scale. On the other hand, this also means that when I feel something, I feel just that one thing. Other people tend to mix their feelings, for example before they go on a date, they are nervous but also at the same time excited. I do not know how that feels. But the way I feel...it makes me broken. Right?

I read enough books, heard enough stories, and witnessed too much of life that it became impossible for me to ignore that my relationships and even myself, are, in fact, broken.

Example: Today, was the first time that I met with my three friends and classmates of three years outside of school. Does not sound like we would be besties or anything but hey, we talk daily and share our lives together, that is something, right? Imagine my suprise when one of the girls asked me why I do not like her. I was shocked obviously. Sure, we barely talked, we never hang out, and we never expressed any indication of caring about the other´s life, but that is how all of my ships work. I do not know any other way. Anyway, I assured her, that we are friends and she seemed relieved. God,I really do not understand people.

But to be fair, I am probably doing this whole ¨friendship¨ thing wrong. Afterall, I never really had any friends and I was never the friendliest either (apparently I locked myself in my bedroom every time my grandparents came to visit).

I guess what I am trying to say is...that I am not good at ''people''. I always was and still am a lone ranger, but that does not mean that I do not try. I do, a lot. The sole fact that I can talk to people for more than two minutes without scratching my arms until they bleed is a big progress for me. Such a shame that people do not see how much I am trying but rather everything there is that still needs improvement.

I pray for an easier tommorrow.

Under Water

25. june 2017 at 21:36 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary,

I jump. And I am not talking about jumping with my legs but with my horse.
I just started doing parkour last year, however, we - me and him, got better quite fast and we were jumping quite some heights this season.

I have this thing. I do not get scared. Not at first, at least. Since I was about ten years old I used to snowboard like crazy, I never stopped, never slowed down. And so once, I fell. I broke my hand, badly. I had cast for more than two months and the injury never really healed. I still can not move with my wrist from side to side. I never got up and went snowboarding again.

Same thing happened yesterday, or at least on the same note. It was hot, I was dehydrated, starving, nervous and on top og it all tired from another sleepless night. After the first show, just before the second one, I fell. Hardly. I do not remember much, not the fall or anything that happened shortly before or after. I remember looking for my horse and drinking warm water that just made me sick. I remember my trainer telling me that if I want to compete, I have to go no. I was next. I have a blur after that. I have no idea how I got back into the saddle or how I got infront of the judges. I remember my eyes closed. Just later they told me I was unconscious, but at that moment, I just felt like I was sleeping. I do not remember much after that. There were people around me, asking each other what they should do, if they should carry me out, make me walk or let me lie there for a bit. I do not know how they decided. The first memory to come after that is one in car, when we were already on our way back. They told me the basics, that I fell twice, first one was bad enough but during the second, I managed to break the obstacle in half with my body. They said it looked bad. That I was not moving and they had to start reviving me. Apparently, if i had not have worn the vest, it could have killed me.

I guess it is better this way, when I just do not remember. Maybe it is a way of my body protecting me. But it does not stop the pain. I can not work properly. I can not walk on my right leg, all muscles on my back, shoulders and neck are pulled, I think I broke my nose and my arm and I get dizzy. I also just had a migraine. I have had fractures before, the pain is not so bad and can be lived with, but God. My head is killing me, returning again and again to yesterday, trying to make sence of it but even with hints from others, I do not exactly know what happened, what went wrong. What I did wrong. It kills me.

I just...I just want to forget. Then I at least would not have to worry, about getting scared. I mean, what if I will? What if next time I climb on my horse I will be paralyzed? It is not exactly like I can just end it, he depends on me. Who else would have taken care of him?

But that is my problem, and I will have to deal with it. Even though, I always run when I start to get scared. This time I will have to stay. Who knows? Maybe I will find a way how to defeat my biggest enemy - my fears. Maybe it will even be good for me, because as mom always says "Everything happens for a reason".

Dear Diary, my first entry...

8. june 2017 at 19:25 | the worse of me |  Dear Diary
Dear Diary, today I fucked up.

I was in subway on my way to see my aunt, when my dog (what a genius) started bothering some guy behind me. Even though he did not say a thing it was pretty obvious that he was getting annoyed. So I did what every normal person would, I moved my dog closer to me and apologized to that poor guy with big smile on my face. A little uncomfortable but nothing I could not handle, right?

However, that was not the end. He asked me a question, which I, between the subway noise and my bad hearing, did not heard. So I asked him about what he said - if he could repeat it and of cour-fucking-se that I did not hear that either. Given that I did not understood the question (again) and I did not want to embarrass myself any more than I already have, I just leant in closer and waited for him to ask again. What he said took me by suprise. One word. That is all he said. The name of my school. I could not make myself answer with words so I just nodded and smiled. Thankfully, I reached my destination by then so I left the train and the handsome behind me.

I am not of those to worry, but this left me thinking. Who was that boy? How so that he knew me but I did not know him? I knew that if I would see him again, I would recognize him. He was not of the invisible kind. He was not like me.

But then again, it looked like I was not either.

Inevitable End

7. june 2017 at 23:02 | the worse of me
Our world has fallen. And we, lying down, whilst buried under the ground, we think we are flying. The world will never stop spinning but in our blindness, we will stop breathing. Unaware of our own uselessness, we accepted and praised the end that is coming.


We will fail to avoid the demise and we will enter the hell. Once there, we will find ourselves home. And just then, new world will arise from the ashes of the old one. Pure and thriving.

Fools, who think otherwise.


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